Tearful

I never used to cry when watching things.

Ok, well no, that’s a bit of a lie – there was 1 particular scene at the end of 《熊出没: 年货》 which made me cry even as a 9-year-old kid,[^xcm] – but on the whole, I was stone cold while other people had tears in their eyes. I wasn’t heartless, I don’t think, but some part of me just couldn’t really fathom how they were crying so easily.[^how-crying]

[^xcm]: Maybe this was a premonition of what was to come :0 [^how-crying]: Naturally, there was also the rebellious streak thinking “bruh, weak, I don’t cry so easily, unlike you” (hyperbole, to be clear)

Yet now, I routinely tear up when watching stuff – films, anime,[^anime] even reading manga. And it tends to happen instantaneously: one second I’m fine, and then suddenly my eyes start burning and there’s liquid escaping.

[^anime]: Kanojo Okarishimasu frickin made me cry, dude 💀

It’s not the sad stuff either, funnily enough. No, no, I’m crying at the heartwarming, or perhaps more accurately, bittersweet moments. Like when Roz is training Brightbill to fly (The Wild Robot^↗),[^roz] or Suzume’s mum is building her a chair (Suzuke no Tojimari^↗).

[^roz]: Holy mackerel, how could I feel a slight pang of emotion just imagining this arc… damn, it really hit hard, huh?

What happened, man?

I mean, it’s not a bad thing by any means, I’d rather be emotional than a soulless brick. It’s just struck me how much more emotional I’ve become, y’know?

Honestly, I think I just grew up.

Now I’ve realised what a cold and heartless place the world can be. We live in such a [broken world](Broken World.md) that batters you down til you’re broken. The harsh futility of life has hit me – I won’t say ‘truly’, since I’m sure it’ll become ever truer for me in future – and, idk. There are so many woes and anxieties we have to deal with that sometimes we forget to enjoy life.

So when I’m hit with something that’s so perfect, a glint of hope in the darkness, it just tugs unbearably at my heartstrings; I know it’s scripted, and half the time it’s cliché, but it GETS ME–

Maybe it’s cuz they remind me of the book series I read as a child, and all those worlds I lost myself in, which I still hold so much nostalgia for.

Maybe I see myself in those moments, and there’s a tiny part of me deep down that longs for that same thing.

Maybe I don’t really care to resist anymore, and I’ll embrace whatever feeling the film’s trying to convey, through all the tone, music, craft.

It’s quite nice to let go, and just enjoy the ride.